Check the Story: Slow Down Before You React

For years, one of the most common things I've worked with people on in therapy is slowing down the telling of their story. People will sit on my couch and give me a synopsis of what happened. They'll tell me what somebody said, what they did, why they did it, what they meant by it, and sometimes what they're probably going to do next. And I have to slow them down. Okay. What actually happened? Let's go through this step by step.

After doing this over and over again with people, I started realizing how important this process is. That's where Check the Story has become a key component of the work I do. Sometimes people come in wanting to tell me what's going on in their lives and who caused it. Other times, people show up with pretty good ownership. They can recognize that while somebody else may have played a role, there are also things they did—or didn't do—that contributed to the situation they're dealing with. Either way, before we can figure out what to do next, we have to slow the story down.  That's the process:

Pause

First, you gotta slow down. I think about this all the time when somebody is sitting comfortably in my office telling me a story at 100 miles an hour.  If we're moving through the story this fast after it happened, what was happening when the actual event was going on? Were you slowing down enough to check your own reaction? Did you notice your temperature going up? Were you already irritated before the conversation even started?  Are you holding onto some deep-seated resentment that you've been waiting to place on this person?

I don't know. But I do know that when emotions and intensity go up, our ability to slow down and accurately evaluate what's happening can go down pretty quickly. That's why the pause matters. The pause doesn't mean you don't feel anything. It doesn't mean the other person is right. And it definitely doesn't mean you have to stand there quietly while somebody treats you poorly. It means creating enough space to recognize: I'm getting heated right now. I need to pay attention to what's happening before I decide what I'm going to do next.

That's a skill.

Check the Story

Once you've created some space, now you can start analyzing what's actually going on. Not what you're assuming. Not what you're jumping to conclusions about. Not even necessarily what you're trying to protect yourself from. What do I actually know? That's a different question.

Ask yourself:

• What are the facts of this situation?

• What story am I telling myself about this person or what happened?

• What else could be true besides what I'm currently thinking?

That last question is important. You're not trying to convince yourself that your interpretation is wrong. Sometimes you're absolutely right. You're also not trying to force yourself into some fake positive thought. You're checking whether you've got enough information to justify the story you're telling yourself. Our interpretations can make us feel safer. They give us an explanation. They can give us somebody to blame. Sometimes they even give us a sense of control.

But checking the facts can also lead us in another unhealthy direction: self-judgment. Damn, I shouldn't have reacted like that. I should've known better. Why do I always do this? That's not the point either. Checking the story isn't about deciding who is the bad guy—including yourself. It's about finding a solution to the problem that creates the healthiest possible outcome for everyone involved. That's a big difference.

Pivot

Now we have to figure out what we're going to do with the information. The first part of the pivot may simply be getting your temperature down. That requires self-awareness. It also requires being able to regulate yourself in real time instead of waiting until three hours later to realize you probably shouldn't have said what you said. Then I want you to think about control.

How much control do you actually have over this situation? Is it 15%? Is it 50%? Is it 90%?Because we waste a lot of energy trying to control parts of situations that aren't ours to control.Maybe you can't control what your coworker does. You can control whether you address it professionally. Maybe you can't control how your partner responds.

You can control how you communicate. Maybe you can't control the decision your boss made. You can decide what you're going to do next. That's where the pivot becomes less about the other person and more about your behavior. What's the best possible outcome here for me, (and if it’s a loved one, them too), and what can I actually do to help move the situation in that direction?

This Doesn't Apply to Every Situation

I want to make an important distinction here. I'm not talking about situations where immediate action is required to protect yourself or somebody else. Car wrecks. Physical fights. Emergencies. Accidents. Immediate threats to someone's safety. Sometimes your nervous system needs to do exactly what it was designed to do: react. I'm talking primarily about the people and situations you interact with regularly. Your partner. Your coworker. Your boss. Your child. Your family.

The people who know how you operate and who you're going to have to interact with again tomorrow. At the same time, there's something interesting about people who regularly operate in genuinely high-pressure environments. Military operators. Paramedics. Emergency responders. Experienced executives and leaders. I would argue that many people who perform well in those environments have actually gotten better at slowing things down mentally when the intensity goes up. They assess. They figure out what matters. They determine what they can control.

Then they act. That's part of why they're good at what they do. So the goal isn't necessarily to eliminate intensity. It's to get better at operating when intensity shows up.

One More Question

There's another part of the pivot that I think gets overlooked. After the situation is over, ask yourself: How can I reduce the number of times situations like this keep happening to me? That's where checking the story becomes more than just a tool for handling one argument. Now we're talking about patterns. Maybe you need to have a conversation with your kids about how everybody communicates moving forward.

• Maybe you need better boundaries.

• Maybe you've been miserable at your job for two years and need to start looking for another one.

• Maybe you need to apologize.

• Maybe you need to stop having the same argument the same way.

• Maybe you need therapy.

• Maybe you need an anger management group. Hint, hint.

Who knows? But if you keep finding yourself in the same situations, having the same reactions, with the same outcomes, at some point it's worth asking what you can change. That's the self-assessment piece of this. Not: What's wrong with me? But: What can I do differently that gives me a better chance of getting a healthier outcome?

Check Your Story

So that's it. Pause. Slow yourself down enough to recognize what's happening inside of you. Check the Story. Separate what you actually know from what you're assuming. Ask yourself what else could be true. Pivot. Figure out what you can control, what outcome you're trying to create, and what you need to do next. You're not going to do this perfectly. Nobody does.

But the more you practice slowing the story down when the stakes are low, the better chance you have of being able to do it when your temperature starts going up. And maybe the biggest question is this: Am I responding to what's actually happening—or am I responding to the story I'm telling myself about what's happening? Hopefully this gives you something useful to work with. Thanks for reading.

Peace.

How Much Does Anger Management Cost?

If you're comparing anger management classes in Kansas City, one of your first questions is probably pretty simple:

How much is this going to cost?

The cost of anger management can vary depending on the provider, length of the program, format, and what's actually included. Some programs charge per class, while others charge one price for the entire program.

At Satori Counseling Services, my goal has been to keep the program affordable while still providing something that is practical, professional, and useful in people's everyday lives.

What Does the Satori Anger Management Program Cost?

The Satori Anger Management & Emotional Regulation Program is a 10-week online program that costs $275, which comes out to $27.50 per class. I understand that paying for an entire program upfront isn't realistic for everybody. In fact, one of the most common questions I get when people call is about weekly affordability. Participants are required to pay for their first class upfront to enroll in the program, but they can then pay for the program weekly. Another question I hear regularly is:

"Does this count for court?"

I work with individuals who have been referred by courts, attorneys, probation, employers, and other professionals. Participants who successfully complete the program can receive documentation verifying their completion. However, requirements can vary depending on the court, jurisdiction, employer, or referral source. If you're completing anger management because someone referred or ordered you to attend, it's always a good idea to confirm their specific requirements.

What Do You Actually Learn in Anger Management?

My program isn't designed around sitting in a class for 10 weeks and being told that anger is bad. Anger isn't necessarily the problem. What we do when we're angry can become the problem. The program focuses on helping people recognize patterns and develop practical ways of responding differently.

We work on skills including:

• Identifying personal anger triggers

• Recognizing how anger shows up physically and emotionally

• Managing discomfort when you're angry

• Recognizing when anger begins turning into aggression

• Slowing down reactions before they create bigger problems

• Improving communication during conflict

• Developing healthier conflict-resolution skills

• Taking ownership when your behavior has negatively affected someone else

Conflict is going to happen. It happens with spouses and partners. It happens with coworkers and supervisors. It happens with friends and family members. The goal isn't to create a life where nobody disagrees with you. The goal is to learn how to move through disagreement without creating unnecessary damage.

One thing I emphasize is learning how to leave a difficult conversation with a better understanding of what the other person was trying to communicate—even when you don't agree with them. Ideally, the other person should also leave the conversation feeling safe enough to come back and talk with you again. That's a big part of healthy conflict resolution.

Learn more about Satori's 10-week Anger Management & Emotional Regulation Program.

Who Is Anger Management For?

There's sometimes a stereotype that anger management is only for people who have been ordered to attend by a judge. That's simply not the case. Yes, some participants come to me through the justice system, attorneys, probation, employers, or other referral sources. Other people enroll because they've started recognizing that anger or emotional reactions are creating problems in their lives.

Maybe arguments with a partner keep going too far. Maybe conflict at work has become a problem. Maybe relationships with family members have become difficult. Or maybe someone has simply recognized a pattern in themselves and decided:

"I need to handle this differently."

Anger management can also be an option for people who want practical skills, education, and opportunities to practice different responses but don't necessarily feel that individual therapy is the best fit for what they're trying to accomplish. You don't have to wait until anger creates a major consequence before deciding to work on it.

Online Anger Management vs. a One-Day Intensive

Satori offers both a 10-week online anger management program and a one-day anger management intensive. They cover the same core modules, but the experiences are different.

The 10-Week Online Program

The online program gives you time to learn a skill, go back into your everyday life, practice it, and continue building on those skills over several weeks. There's also something valuable about being in a group with other people who are working on similar issues.

Sometimes people begin to realize:

"Okay, I'm not the only person who struggles with this." That matters.

Group conversations can help normalize some of these experiences while giving participants opportunities to hear different perspectives and learn how other people are working through similar situations.

The One-Day Intensive

The one-day intensive covers all 10 modules in one day and is more workshop-style and interactive. It's designed for people looking for concentrated education and skill development, particularly individuals who want to better understand how anger and emotional reactions may be affecting their personal or professional relationships. The intensive may also work better for someone whose schedule makes attending a weekly program difficult.

Does It Matter Who Teaches the Class?

I believe it does.

I've spent more than 20 years working in behavioral health and helping people from a wide range of backgrounds work through difficult situations, relationships, behaviors, and emotions. Over the course of my career, I've worked with people from many different walks of life, including professionals, doctors, attorneys, and athletes.

One thing that experience has reinforced for me is that difficulty managing emotions isn't determined by someone's income, education, profession, or status. People from all kinds of backgrounds can struggle with anger, aggression, communication, and emotional regulation. That's why my teaching style is practical. I'm less interested in giving people a bunch of clinical language to memorize and more interested in helping them ask:

• What keeps happening?

• What happens to me when I get angry?

• What story am I telling myself in that moment?

• What do I normally do next?

• What could I practice doing differently?

The goal isn't perfection. It's developing enough awareness and enough practical skills that you have more choices about what you do when anger shows up.

Finding the Right Anger Management Program

Cost matters, especially when you're committing to multiple weeks of classes. But I wouldn't make cost the only consideration. Look at the length and format of the program. Find out who's facilitating it. Ask what you'll actually learn. If you've been referred by a court, attorney, employer, probation officer, or another professional, make sure you understand their requirements before enrolling. Most importantly, look for a program that gives you skills you can actually use after the class is over.

At Satori Counseling Services, the 10-week online Anger Management & Emotional Regulation Program is $275, with weekly payment options available. Virtual programs are offered throughout the week. Whether you're coming because someone referred you or because you've decided it's time to work on some patterns that are getting in your way, the goal is the same:

Learn practical skills. Understand your patterns. Practice responding differently.

Frequently Asked Questions

How much is Satori's anger management program?

The 10-week online Anger Management & Emotional Regulation Program costs $275, or $27.50 per class. Participants pay for their first class when enrolling and can make weekly payments throughout the program.

Are anger management classes available online?

Yes. The 10-week program is offered virtually, with anger management programming available throughout the week.

Can I use the program for a court requirement?

Satori Counseling Services works with individuals referred by courts, attorneys, probation, employers, and other professional referral sources. Participants can receive documentation after successfully completing the program.

Online versus In-Person Anger management Classes

If you're looking for an anger management class, one of the first decisions you may have to make is whether to attend online or in person. So, which one is better? It really depends on what you're hoping to get out of the experience.

Both online and in-person anger management classes can give you practical tools for managing reactions, communicating during conflict, and taking more ownership of your behavior. The biggest difference is how you want to learn and how much time you want to spend putting those skills into practice.

What Is an Online Anger Management Class Like?

At Satori Counseling Services, the online anger management program takes place over 10 weeks, with participants working through 10 modules focused on anger, emotional regulation, communication, conflict, accountability, and changing patterns of behavior. But the class isn't designed around me lecturing for an hour while everyone else sits quietly on Zoom. A big part of the experience is conversation.

I facilitate the group, introduce concepts, ask questions, and give participants opportunities to talk about how these issues actually show up in their lives. Because you're meeting over 10 weeks, there's also an opportunity to build some community and learn from the experiences of other people in the group.

You Have Something to Practice Between Classes

One of the biggest advantages of the online format is what happens between classes.

I usually end each class by giving participants a skill to practice or a reflection to work on during the week. The idea is simple: take what we're talking about in class and see what happens when you try to use it in your actual life.

That might include:

Check the story you're telling yourself
When something happens and you immediately assume you know what another person meant, slow down. Ask yourself: Is that actually true, or is that the story I'm creating about what happened?

Practice becoming an observer.
Instead of automatically jumping into your emotional response, practice noticing what's happening—your thoughts, emotions, body, and urge to react—before deciding what you want to do next.

Pay attention to your boundaries
Notice situations where you're stepping beyond your own boundaries, failing to communicate them, or expecting someone else to know where your boundaries are without actually telling them.

Then you have a week of real life—relationships, work, stress, disagreements and everything else—to practice. When you come back to class, we can talk about what worked, what didn't, and what you noticed. You're not just learning anger management concepts. You're getting repeated opportunities to practice them while you're actually living your life.

What Is an In-Person Anger Management Class Like?

The in-person anger management intensive is different. I describe it as more of a one-and-done experience. Instead of meeting weekly for 10 weeks, participants complete the curriculum during an approximately eight-hour intensive. Groups are generally around 8–10 participants, which gives us plenty of opportunity for discussion. And again, this isn't eight hours of sitting in a chair listening to somebody lecture about why you shouldn't get angry. Anger is normal.

I'm much more interested in helping people answer questions like:

• How do I get better at managing my reactions?

• How do I communicate effectively when there's conflict between me and another person?

• What happens when somebody confronts me with something I don't want to hear?

• Can I manage my defensiveness long enough to actually listen?

• Can I take ownership of my behavior without immediately explaining it away?

What's the Biggest Difference Between Online and In-Person Anger Management?

The simplest way to think about it is practice versus convenience.

Online gives you more opportunities to practice

You're learning a concept, taking a skill or reflection with you for the week, trying it in your actual life, and then coming back to build on it. You're also spending several weeks with a group of people who are working on many of the same skills.

Over 10 weeks, that creates a cycle:

Learn → Practice → Reflect → Adjust → Practice Again

The in-person intensive gives you convenience.

You're dedicating one day to completing the curriculum rather than scheduling a class every week for 10 weeks. For someone with a busy schedule, a court deadline, work responsibilities, or other demands on their time, that can be a significant advantage. You still work through the core curriculum and participate in group discussion. You're simply doing it in a much more concentrated format.

So, Which Anger Management Class Is Better?

Neither format is automatically better. Ask yourself what you're looking for.

If you want more time to practice skills, reflect on your reactions, learn alongside other people, and work on changing patterns over several weeks, the 10-week online program may be the better fit. If you want a concentrated learning experience and would rather dedicate one day instead of committing to a weekly class, the in-person intensive may make more sense.

Either way, the goal shouldn't simply be to check a box and say you completed an anger management class. The goal is to leave with a better understanding of your reactions and some practical ways to handle conflict, discomfort, communication, and anger differently. Because knowing what you should do when you're calm is pretty easy. Practicing it when you're pissed off is the hard part.

Get signed up for anger management classes right now