You Don't Have to Be in Trouble to Want to Do Better

After years of working with court-ordered men, and sometimes men who've been told by their wives that they need to make some changes if they want to stay married, I've learned something interesting. Many of these men have seen the writing on the wall for years. They've heard the complaints. They've noticed the tension. They've watched their relationships change. But now they're in a position where they have to do something because they recognize they could lose something they value. Here's something I often ask men in my groups:

"What's a common complaint you hear about yourself?"

Interestingly enough, most men can identify those complaints pretty easily. Maybe they're defensive. Maybe they shut down during difficult conversations. Maybe they always need to be right, or they confuse being assertive with being aggressive. The challenge isn't always recognizing the behavior. Sometimes it's figuring out how to change something you've been doing for years. And that's part of what we work on in my anger management and emotional regulation classes.

Ownership and Accountability Matter

One thing I talk about frequently is ownership. You can recognize that your behavior is creating problems, but recognizing it and doing something about it are two different things. And here's where accountability comes in.

Nobody else can make those changes for you.

You have to be willing to examine how you're showing up, understand your emotional responses, and practice doing things differently. But there's something else worth considering. The person asking you to change may not believe they need to change anything themselves. And that can be frustrating. Relationships involve more than one person, and I'm certainly not suggesting that every problem in your relationship is your fault. Sometimes there are unhealthy dynamics that both people need to address. But you can't control whether somebody else decides to work on themselves. You can only take ownership of what you bring to the relationship.

When You Change, Relationships Can Change

Something I've noticed is that when men begin making meaningful changes in their behavior, the people around them sometimes respond differently, too. Think about it. If somebody has spent years feeling like they have to walk on eggshells around you, they may have learned to stay on guard. But as your behavior becomes more consistent, your communication improves, and you respond differently to conflict, they may begin to feel more comfortable letting that guard down. That doesn't happen overnight, and it certainly isn't guaranteed. But sometimes changing how you show up creates an opportunity for the relationship to change, too. And that's worth thinking about.

So, hate to say it's all on you, but it ain't all on you.

Have a good one!