Check the Story: Slow Down Before You React
For years, one of the most common things I've worked with people on in therapy is slowing down the telling of their story. People will sit on my couch and give me a synopsis of what happened. They'll tell me what somebody said, what they did, why they did it, what they meant by it, and sometimes what they're probably going to do next. And I have to slow them down. Okay. What actually happened? Let's go through this step by step.
After doing this over and over again with people, I started realizing how important this process is. That's where Check the Story has become a key component of the work I do. Sometimes people come in wanting to tell me what's going on in their lives and who caused it. Other times, people show up with pretty good ownership. They can recognize that while somebody else may have played a role, there are also things they did—or didn't do—that contributed to the situation they're dealing with. Either way, before we can figure out what to do next, we have to slow the story down. That's the process:
Pause
First, you gotta slow down. I think about this all the time when somebody is sitting comfortably in my office telling me a story at 100 miles an hour. If we're moving through the story this fast after it happened, what was happening when the actual event was going on? Were you slowing down enough to check your own reaction? Did you notice your temperature going up? Were you already irritated before the conversation even started? Are you holding onto some deep-seated resentment that you've been waiting to place on this person?
I don't know. But I do know that when emotions and intensity go up, our ability to slow down and accurately evaluate what's happening can go down pretty quickly. That's why the pause matters. The pause doesn't mean you don't feel anything. It doesn't mean the other person is right. And it definitely doesn't mean you have to stand there quietly while somebody treats you poorly. It means creating enough space to recognize: I'm getting heated right now. I need to pay attention to what's happening before I decide what I'm going to do next.
That's a skill.
Check the Story
Once you've created some space, now you can start analyzing what's actually going on. Not what you're assuming. Not what you're jumping to conclusions about. Not even necessarily what you're trying to protect yourself from. What do I actually know? That's a different question.
Ask yourself:
What are the facts of this situation?
What story am I telling myself about this person or what happened?
What else could be true besides what I'm currently thinking?
That last question is important. You're not trying to convince yourself that your interpretation is wrong. Sometimes you're absolutely right. You're also not trying to force yourself into some fake positive thought. You're checking whether you've got enough information to justify the story you're telling yourself. Our interpretations can make us feel safer. They give us an explanation. They can give us somebody to blame. Sometimes they even give us a sense of control.
But checking the facts can also lead us in another unhealthy direction: self-judgment. Damn, I shouldn't have reacted like that. I should've known better. Why do I always do this? That's not the point either. Checking the story isn't about deciding who is the bad guy—including yourself. It's about finding a solution to the problem that creates the healthiest possible outcome for everyone involved. That's a big difference.
Pivot
Now we have to figure out what we're going to do with the information. The first part of the pivot may simply be getting your temperature down. That requires self-awareness. It also requires being able to regulate yourself in real time instead of waiting until three hours later to realize you probably shouldn't have said what you said. Then I want you to think about control.
How much control do you actually have over this situation? Is it 15%? Is it 50%? Is it 90%?Because we waste a lot of energy trying to control parts of situations that aren't ours to control.Maybe you can't control what your coworker does. You can control whether you address it professionally. Maybe you can't control how your partner responds.
You can control how you communicate. Maybe you can't control the decision your boss made. You can decide what you're going to do next. That's where the pivot becomes less about the other person and more about your behavior. What's the best possible outcome here for me, (and if it’s a loved one, them too), and what can I actually do to help move the situation in that direction?
This Doesn't Apply to Every Situation
I want to make an important distinction here. I'm not talking about situations where immediate action is required to protect yourself or somebody else. Car wrecks. Physical fights. Emergencies. Accidents. Immediate threats to someone's safety. Sometimes your nervous system needs to do exactly what it was designed to do: react. I'm talking primarily about the people and situations you interact with regularly. Your partner. Your coworker. Your boss. Your child. Your family.
The people who know how you operate and who you're going to have to interact with again tomorrow. At the same time, there's something interesting about people who regularly operate in genuinely high-pressure environments. Military operators. Paramedics. Emergency responders. Experienced executives and leaders. I would argue that many people who perform well in those environments have actually gotten better at slowing things down mentally when the intensity goes up. They assess. They figure out what matters. They determine what they can control.
Then they act. That's part of why they're good at what they do. So the goal isn't necessarily to eliminate intensity. It's to get better at operating when intensity shows up.
One More Question
There's another part of the pivot that I think gets overlooked. After the situation is over, ask yourself: How can I reduce the number of times situations like this keep happening to me? That's where checking the story becomes more than just a tool for handling one argument. Now we're talking about patterns. Maybe you need to have a conversation with your kids about how everybody communicates moving forward.
Maybe you need better boundaries.
Maybe you've been miserable at your job for two years and need to start looking for another one.
Maybe you need to apologize.
Maybe you need to stop having the same argument the same way.
Maybe you need therapy.
Maybe you need an anger management group. Hint, hint.
Who knows? But if you keep finding yourself in the same situations, having the same reactions, with the same outcomes, at some point it's worth asking what you can change. That's the self-assessment piece of this. Not: What's wrong with me? But: What can I do differently that gives me a better chance of getting a healthier outcome?
Check Your Story
So that's it. Pause. Slow yourself down enough to recognize what's happening inside of you. Check the Story. Separate what you actually know from what you're assuming. Ask yourself what else could be true. Pivot. Figure out what you can control, what outcome you're trying to create, and what you need to do next. You're not going to do this perfectly. Nobody does.
But the more you practice slowing the story down when the stakes are low, the better chance you have of being able to do it when your temperature starts going up. And maybe the biggest question is this: Am I responding to what's actually happening—or am I responding to the story I'm telling myself about what's happening? Hopefully this gives you something useful to work with. Thanks for reading.
Peace.
